Archive for February, 2009

Ain’t

Dirty Sanchez
ain’t so dirty
Cleveland Steamer
ain’t so steamy
Until you do the
Onion Bagel
Your sex life
ain’t so seamy




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28

02 2009

It’s Party Time

It’s okay if the sour cream has turned
or if the sautéed garlic got completely burned
Don’t worry that the avocado’s black
or that the roasted peppers liquified right in their sack
Who really cares if the cheese is mostly mold
or the center of the chicken breast is still a little cold

‘Cause even the vilest, most revolting dip
tastes pretty damn good on an onion bagel chip




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27

02 2009

The Beginning

Ring that bagel ’round the moon!
Sprinkle the stars with onions!
Cut the comets with butter knives, and
Smother the cosmos in cream cheese!
Plug your toasters into the sun
And dial them up to Darkest!
We’ve got a world of work to do
So we really mustn’t skip breakfast!




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26

02 2009

The Judgment

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
When it’s all settled then you must
Look back and ask Did I do well?
(Read: Will I go to heaven, or will I go to hell?)
Did I make the most of gifts I was given?
Did I show thanks for the life I was livin’?
Did I love my friends and my family too?
Did I even love people I hardly knew?
Did I make the most of every minute?
(Read: Were all my bagels ones with onion in it?)




25

02 2009

In defense of food

Don’t call my bagel fat
you foul-mouthed freak

It’s soft ’cause it’s not stale
It’s fluffy ’cause yeast rises
It’s round ’cause it’s a ring

(Besides, it’s just big-onioned)




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24

02 2009

Limerick #3

when i taste a rich bagel crust
whose onion topping is robust
the joy’s so severe
that i truly do fear
my tongue might spontaneously combust




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23

02 2009

after a nap

stretch!
stretch!
you sleepy
bagel
kick your napkin
off
to the floor
touch the
dried onion
riverbed
running from
your ever-
yawning hole
greet your
reflection
in stainless steel
and wipe
that crust
from
your eyes




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22

02 2009

An Obviously Unjust Verdict

I warning you Judge, I’m gonna’ appeal
‘Cause these twelve aren’t a jury of my peers
None of them are as good-looking as me
Their schooling pales next to my Ph.D.
Heads of state never ask for their advice
Party planners don’t sculpt their busts in ice
Their 401Ks aren’t fully vested
And they weren’t just recently arrested

There’s no way you can think this jury’s like me still
‘Specially since onion bagels don’t drive them to kill




21

02 2009

Dumb Love

You’re my baby bagel baby
my bitty baby boo
My only one and onion baby
my flippy flappy floo
I love my cutie crusty crazy
cupie soupy stew
My huggy holey humpy habee
braggly smaggle poo




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20

02 2009

A Dramatic Observation of the Relationship Between Onion Bagel and Toaster – or – Beyond Bageldome

Two halves enter,
Two darker, crunchier halves leave.




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19

02 2009