Archive for September, 2009

The Ever-Changing Fortunes of the Guy Who Brought Bagels to the Tailgate Party

He was derided, then shunned
But when they tasted his onions,
Everyone there
Bought him
A beer.




10

09 2009

Soon

Soon is slippery
It’s well-oiled dough
It may rise fast
Or take ages to grow

Soon is layered
Though tasty at first
The bigger your bite
The greater your thirst

Soon is deceptive
A hole baked in bread
The promise of fullness
That’s empty instead

Soon is crooked
Like my furrowed brow
Though I’ll see you soon,
I miss you right now




09

09 2009

Thanks for the rhyme, Zach Galifianakis

Smelly bag of onion bagels rotting in the sun
It’s such a shame to see you go to waste
Though I know decaying rings aren’t good for anyone
I can’t help but long for just a taste

I want to feel the crush of moldy fuzz against my teeth
Gorging on you right here in the yard
Then break your crust and tongue the putrid liquid underneath
— Does that make me some sort of retard?




08

09 2009

the knife unguided

some days it’s hard to stay centered
even when you feel quite sharp
you just lose the grip on your handle
and find yourself someplace so dark

your blade’s edge veers far from the middle
and slices too close to one side
succumbing to such an imbalance
each oniony cut makes you cry

forethoughtless you throw yourself forward
right into that toaster abyss
but half of you never feels warmer
and the other half burns to a crisp




07

09 2009

flipper

he buys bagels
adds some onions
sells them at a profit




06

09 2009

a difference of opinion

itty bitty bagel nibbler
each bite piddlinger than the last
content to eat the slimmest slivers
onion crumbs dissolving fast

some marvel at your self-restraint
possessor of a patient tongue
but i already cleared my plate
and think your brains are full of dung




05

09 2009

nice onions

why you staring at my shirt?
i’m not gawking at you, plus
even if you thought i was
i guarantee you that i were’t

can’t i wear stuff that i like?
some pants, this shirt, maybe a hat
without you bein all like that?
that horse you’re on is so low – psych!

you shirt-lookers are all the same
think your rules should lead every game
if you ask me, my shirt’s legit –
it just says “show your bagels” on it




04

09 2009

man hands

i’m a somewhat sexy man
with fairly sexy, manly hands
they hold my briefcase while at work
and punch walls when i go berserk
they gut the blue gill that i caught
and stroke my beard when i’m in thought
they’re calloused in the yard and such
but women find them soft to touch
yet my palms reach their sexiest
when on them onion bagels rest




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03

09 2009

I’ll admit I wiped my mouth on the cat, if you admit you don’t respect my right to privacy

So what tipped you off?
The onion crumbs under his collar,
or the Pepé Le Pew smear of cream cheese down his back?

And what, might I ask, are you doing here again anyway?
Aren’t you supposed to be at work?




02

09 2009

that ain’t right

i seen a ton a awfull things
i shielded lots a eyes
of teeny tiny sweet young things
that needn’t be so wise

i seen many a frightfull sight
but never seen a man
take just one onion bagel bite
then toss it in the can




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01

09 2009