Archive for October, 2009

Two Bagels, To Go

Sitting on my lap
single crease across its flap
Is a warm paper sack
that contains a double snack
I will take it to my girl
and the fold she will unfurl
There’s a cinnamon for she
and an onion one for me


10 2009

plagiarism (II)

pen cap to mouth corner
eyes off in yesterday
seeking some new rhyme for “onion”

bagel poet wannabe
human hole metaphor
seriously dude,
quit stealing my shit

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10 2009


i’m stealing this poem from william butler yeats
he wrote this exact thing in eighteen ninety eight
he was all, flurbity blafferly smoo
just like i’m now writing balloobity clood
and he was like, hey, look at me, i’m a poet!
then he took a giant bite from a doughnut
i guess that’s the only place these poems conflict
unlike him i’m an onion bagel addict


10 2009

please save my child!

my son is trapped
in an onion bagel
flying across the sky!

no wait, i see now
that makes no sense

never mind
ignore me
my bad

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10 2009

my tire, my onion bagel, my love

when you’re not round, i go nowhere
i’m flat and lifeless, needing air

when you’re not round, things feel so wrong
all other shapes just don’t belong

when you’re not ’round, i’m out of whack
so please be kind, and come right back


10 2009


Some people on drugs get their brains all messed up
Some people on welfare get coins in their cup
Some people on short ends feel only defeat
Some people on hard times collapse in the street

If you care to rescue them from disarray, well –
To start, you could offer them your onion bagel


10 2009

And Just Like That, My American Dream Has Been Reduced to a Foreign, Crumb-Filled Nightmare

My bagel payments are too steep,
The onion upkeep’s rough and
I’ll never get a good night’s sleep
‘Til I downsize to an English muffin


10 2009

that onion bagel is a real a-wipe

it crashed my car, gave me this scar
and spread falsehoods about me,
it killed my cat and smooshed my hat
and sold our script without me,
it stole my wife and wrecked my life
and on my coattails coasted,
but i don’t mind, it soon will find
revenge is a dish best served toasted

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10 2009

at the bagel shop – or – at the doctor’s office

wrapped in flimsy paper,
each crinkle-producing movement is amplified
you are examined, squeezed,
sometimes even cut

you wonder:
do i look okay?
do i smell like onion?
do they ever turn the heat on in this place?

you don’t know what’s coming next
and you grow colder
with every second


10 2009

Sonnet X

I’ve gripped a bagel curve or two before,
And though they all have let me get my fill,
As soon as each one’s gone I just crave more,
Which leaves me in a battle of the will;
For I know I could trace these lines all day,
Caressing them with fingers, lips and tongue,
Live out my years in fresh-baked ecstasy,
‘Til one day I’m no longer fresh and young;
Then, belly full and burping, I’d look back,
At all the onioned rings around my life,
And wonder, did this excess cause some lack,
In love shown to my friends, my kids, my wife?
Such thoughts provoke an emptiness profound,
Yet my mind can’t prevent them spinning round.


10 2009