Could just eating breakfast murder your dog?
I gasp at the TV, jaw hung agog
Groceries are sending our kittens to heaven!
Will your pet be next? Find out at eleven!
_
Harrowed, I stroke at my furrowing brow,
Searching for ways to avoid this somehow;
What could be causing these untimely deaths?
My pulse speeds to pace my quickening breaths
Too harried to sit, too nervous to eat,
My bagel untouched I let plunge to my feet;
Hour after hour I pace rings on the rug,
Damn that reporter’s interest-piquing mug!
I watch all the game shows, the sitcoms and then
An exposé on cream cheese industry men;
Finally that local news theme music comes:
The dee de-dee dees, the dum du-dum dums
Smiles and makeup and teeth ear to ear,
This is what I’ve waited so long to hear!
If you love your pet, there are steps you must take!
We’ll say what they are, right after this break!
_
Blast it! How long these attention whores stall!
I fling the remote, and flinch as its fall
Is broken by Fluffy, asleep on the floor;
Oh please be okay! I beg and implore
Peering much closer, I see what I dread
On top of its shoulders, and below its head;
The bagel I’d dropped has turned hard as a puck,
An oniony noose, ’round its neck now stuck
The anchor’s voice pierces my ears with a chill:
Get food off the ground, ’cause bagels can kill!
