Posts Tagged ‘tv’

Have I Seen This Lifetime Movie Already?

Young bagel heroine
fresh-faced and sweet
meeting the boy of her dreams

I’ve got a feeling
before this thing’s over
cops will find onion crumbs in his trunk


12 2009

in the pad

tv sports for hours and hours
unbrushed teeth and undrawn showers
breakfast pizza, dinner eggs
onion bagel crumbs on legs
what a messy, manly day
can you tell my wife’s away?


12 2009

Sonnet XII

This bagel’s somewhat darker than I like
Like Cage and Shue instead of Cheech and Chong
Or Jack Bauer instead of Barney Fife
I guess I let it toast a bit too long

These onions overwhelm all with their taste
Like Donald Trump with marble, glass and gold
Or one whose favorite band is Ace of Base
I guess my mixing hand was just too bold

This hole is fairly larger than ideal
Like any screen that broadcasts Carrot Top
Or any speaker playing songs by Seal
I guess my fingers knew not when to stop

But even though my similes are crummy,
I still think that this bagel’s pretty yummy


11 2009

please save my child!

my son is trapped
in an onion bagel
flying across the sky!

no wait, i see now
that makes no sense

never mind
ignore me
my bad

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10 2009

Talent, Schmalent

What do the Hoff and that British guy know?
America’s Got Onion Bagels” is a much better show.

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09 2009

season premieres

deserve a darkened
a comfortable chair,
and an audience that adheres
to a strict
no-talking policy;

the last of which
comes easier
(of course)
when onion bagels are served

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08 2009

to us

we get along so famously,
like we’re on access hollywood;
our conversation is so rich,
it could get thieved by robin hood

we’re flirty, fun and fabulous,
like all those gay dudes on queer eye;
our chemistry is full of bangs,
like mr. wizard screwed bill nye

if he could feel the way we do,
keanu reeves would just say whoa;
we match each other perfectly,
like onion flakes and bagel dough

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07 2009

Our Top Story

Could just eating breakfast murder your dog?
I gasp at the TV, jaw hung agog
Groceries are sending our kittens to heaven!
Will your pet be next? Find out at eleven!
Harrowed, I stroke at my furrowing brow,
Searching for ways to avoid this somehow;
What could be causing these untimely deaths?
My pulse speeds to pace my quickening breaths

Too harried to sit, too nervous to eat,
My bagel untouched I let plunge to my feet;
Hour after hour I pace rings on the rug,
Damn that reporter’s interest-piquing mug!

I watch all the game shows, the sitcoms and then
An exposé on cream cheese industry men;
Finally that local news theme music comes:
The dee de-dee dees, the dum du-dum dums

Smiles and makeup and teeth ear to ear,
This is what I’ve waited so long to hear!
If you love your pet, there are steps you must take!
We’ll say what they are, right after this break!
Blast it! How long these attention whores stall!
I fling the remote, and flinch as its fall
Is broken by Fluffy, asleep on the floor;
Oh please be okay! I beg and implore

Peering much closer, I see what I dread
On top of its shoulders, and below its head;
The bagel I’d dropped has turned hard as a puck,
An oniony noose, ’round its neck now stuck

The anchor’s voice pierces my ears with a chill:
Get food off the ground, ’cause bagels can kill!


07 2009

Schmear or no Schmear

That bagel’s got a soul patch!
It’s got so much soul!

That bagel’s got an earring
Stuck right through its hole!

That bagel’s got a game show
That prizes are won on!

That bagel’s got a briefcase!
It’s chock full of onion!

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04 2009

just the lip

mustachioed bagel
you are a rare old onion indeed
always ready
to attend a bachelor party
or investigate crimes in hawai’i
or be eaten by someone
not afraid
of a little hair in his food

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04 2009