Posts Tagged ‘work’

I Paid For It, Alright

I bought myself a bagel
Paid for it in cash
Took a little bite and gave
Myself a cream cheese ‘stache

Still I liked its flavor
Sweet and oniony
So my second, larger bite
Made a cream cheese goatee

Blind to all the gawkers
Who clearly thought me weird
I bit the biggest bite of all
And got a cream cheese beard

That’s when they all stood up
Said to me “We’re through!”
Where’d they get the nerve to cut short
My job interview?


11 2009

Onion Bagels Will Be Served, Yes?

Let’s have a meeting
Tomorrow morning
Right when we first get in;
Then before lunchtime
Seems like a good time
To have a meeting again;
Next around twoish
Gather the group and
Let’s have a meeting in re:
How we intend to
Fill the agenda
For our meeting at the end of the day


11 2009


I’m the boss here
So do things my way,
You boil what I want
And bake when I say

Your hat is white paper
Your apron is checkered,
Keep them both clean
Or it goes on your record

If I find an onion
In the poppy seed station,
You won’t get a warning
You’ll be on probation

If my yeast goes bad
‘Cause you overstocked,
I’m not even joking
Your paycheck gets docked

Don’t bring me cream cheese
When I wanted schmear,
One phone call from me
Could destroy your career

Just keep the holes hollow
And your attitude in line,
Don’t ever dare cross me
And you’ll do just fine


09 2009

I’ll admit I wiped my mouth on the cat, if you admit you don’t respect my right to privacy

So what tipped you off?
The onion crumbs under his collar,
or the Pepé Le Pew smear of cream cheese down his back?

And what, might I ask, are you doing here again anyway?
Aren’t you supposed to be at work?


09 2009


i’m super duper sleepified,
and droopy lidded bleary-eyed,
my brain feels like it’s been deep fried
but i’ve got work to finish.

so if it’s cool with all of you —
hitler, big bird, captain lou —
i’ll watch the onion bagel crew
do their dance tomorrow.


08 2009

It’s been a long week here in the bagel taste-testing offices

Oh, what a mess of work in my inbox,
Cheeses, butters, herbed schmears and lox,
And bagels, of course, piled high as Fort Knox,
My burden weighs heavy, like cart to the ox.

But oxen can carry much more than they know,
Inspiring workers with all that they hoe,
So I’ll taste these baked rings of oniony dough,
And send each, once bitten, to the outbox below.

topics: , ,


07 2009

Baker’s Day Off

He didn’t set one foot in
the kitchen all day long
He never rolled a Ho Ho
or cream filled a Ding Dong
His body was as far from
his work as it could be
But privately his mind was
the furthest thing from free

The sandy beach reminded
him of an onioned dough
The sun’s rays were an oven
turned high as it could go
And when those kids played frisbee
and gave it quite a fling
He only saw soar past him
a toasted bagel ring

topics: ,


07 2009

A classically comedic misunderstanding from which hilarity ensues

The room key isn’t working,
so down the hall I’m lurking,
I tell the front desk lady but all that she is is smirking

So now I get hostile,
and tell her to go dial,
Her manager should hear of this but all she does is smile

About that time I see,
between teeth two and three,
A freshly chewed up remnant of onion bagel debris

It all was misconstrued,
she wasn’t being rude,
It’s just that a bread ring has got her in a real good mood

So I forgive that gaffe,
embrace the hotel staff,
And in the lobby we’ll share both a bagel and a laugh


06 2009

please ignore the cannibalistic overtones

busy little bagel
buzzing like a bee
trying to fill these toasters
and spread all that cream chee

if you can’t get them finished
for this morning’s meal
i’m afraid your little
onion brain is gonna peel!

topics: , ,


06 2009

Keep Your Day Jobs

Yesterday the bagel baker
swapped shops with the pizza maker

One threw onioned dough up high
like it was a hand tossed pie,
The other used a knife to thrust
gaping holes in deep dish crust

The bagels came out of the fryers
looking like deflated tires,
While pizzas became topping bowls
as melting cheese fell into holes

Neither pleased the cerebellum
but no one had the heart to tell ’em


06 2009