Archive for April, 2009

third-degree turn

i dropped my bagel
like it was hot
because it was hot
and my fingers were burning terribly

digits in mouth
pain soon became joy:
the scalded skin
tasted quite a bit like onion


04 2009

Dude with a neck Band-Aid

hey Dude
what’s shakin
and why is there a Band-Aid
on your neck?

odd place for a Band-Aid
if you ask me
seein as i’ve
never needed one there before

did Somebody
with a bread knife
mistake your neck for a bagel
or somethin?

i’m just glad that bagels
don’t have
Jugular Veins
blood and onion don’t mix


04 2009

single serving cream cheese container

you know you got it goin’ on
everything i want
and need in one
conveniently pocketable package

i long to touch you
to feel your cool against my warm
fingertips taking hold
lifting lustfully on your waiting lid

and now it is time to spread
my blade begins
you are smooth
and you are generous but only at first

for midway through my onion bagel’s
second half you empty
leaving me — and the promise you made —
forever unfulfilled


04 2009

time to celebrate

hit the rock
now boom! let’s blow it up
then pump your fist in circles
and bark just like a pup

raise the roof
a chest bump in midair!
let’s wave our limbs around
as if we just don’t care

kick your heels
spirit fingers full of pride
now line up all our friends
for the electric slide!

silent cheer!
gimme five! no gimme ten!
we’re having onion bagels
for our breakfast again!


04 2009

row 32

tiny stewardess
slinking down the aisle
active little hands
serving snack after snack after snack

you smile, share a laugh
shuffle through your shelves
so long at each row!
so many more to go
if you’re out
of onion bagels
when you reach my seat
i’m bringing down this goddamned airplane
so help me jesus

topics: , ,


04 2009

stone sober logic

i woke in bagel puke again
familiar onion sludge
but i had zero drinks last night
so don’t be quick to judge

i think i must be suffering
from some foodborne disease
’cause whiskeys tend not to expire
but sometimes does cream cheese

topics: ,


04 2009

(they’re the ones with goatees)

almost every onion bagel
that i’ve eaten
has been Good

but one or two of them
have been Evil

topics: ,


04 2009

time, cruel and heartless, what is it that you have done with my child?

my bagel used to be clean cut
he’d do as he was told
but since he started growing up
he’s gotten rather bold

he hangs out with these seedy types
and does distasteful things
like smoking back behind the school
and blowing onion rings

the girls he sees all have pierced holes
and smell distinctly stale
they look like they belong in some
two-week-old baked goods sale

he skipped his prom and passed out at
an all-night toaster rave
and came home sporting sideburns —
that’s just no way to behave!


04 2009

Schmear or no Schmear

That bagel’s got a soul patch!
It’s got so much soul!

That bagel’s got an earring
Stuck right through its hole!

That bagel’s got a game show
That prizes are won on!

That bagel’s got a briefcase!
It’s chock full of onion!

topics: , ,


04 2009

just the lip

mustachioed bagel
you are a rare old onion indeed
always ready
to attend a bachelor party
or investigate crimes in hawai’i
or be eaten by someone
not afraid
of a little hair in his food

topics: , ,


04 2009