Archive for December, 2008

Text Message From the Delicatessen

Your bagel has been canceled
due to inclement weather
PLEASE DO NOT HIT REPLY

You’ve already been rescheduled
for the next available bagel:
TUESDAY
6:05 PM

We apologize for any inconvenience
and we’ve upgraded you to “onion”
at no additional charge.

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31

12 2008


by andy
posted in uncategorized
1 Comment

Fate

My Daddy was a bagelman
way out in Idaho
My Momma worked the onion fields
in old New Mexico
They kissed in Loosiana
with the stars shinin’ above
Raised a baker’s dozen children
filled with hope, cream cheese and love

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30

12 2008


by andy
posted in uncategorized
No Comments

(Fluff®)

Bagels are brown, onions are yellow
cream cheese is soft, and so is Marshmallow

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29

12 2008


by andy
posted in uncategorized
No Comments

recipe

my mind is like an onion
so many layers to peel
my body’s mostly water
so it shouldn’t really feel
my soul is just like flour
always something to sift through
but my heart is like a bagel
with a hole in it for you


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28

12 2008


by andy
posted in uncategorized
No Comments

oh, yeasty temptress

damn, bagel
you are lookin
hot
tonite

i like your bumps
—your lovely
onion
lumps—

and that hole of yours
is givin
me
ideas

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27

12 2008


by andy
posted in uncategorized
No Comments

Haiku #1

A note on toppings:
Cream cheese is acceptable.
End of discussion.

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26

12 2008


by andy
posted in haiku
No Comments

sugarplums, schmugarplums

the only visions
i want dancing in my head
are
round
doughy
onion flavored
and jewish

happy holidays
everybody

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25

12 2008


by andy
posted in uncategorized
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murder at 425º – or – what’s barry mcguire gonna’ eat for breakfast now?

watch out, woman
cause there’s a burning inside-a me
there’s a fire down deep
and it’s create-n a heat
that you ain’t gonna wan-na see no part of

look out, brotha
cause my temperature’s outta control
my wiring’s all shot
and i’m toast-n too hot
and i ain’t got no problem with burnt onions

cool it, barry
cause destruction is what i know most
my blood’s so mad
it feels like incinerate-n
and your bagel’s about-ta be toast

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24

12 2008


by andy
posted in uncategorized
No Comments

“i think you love that onion bagel more than you love me”

but
baby
my darling
love of my life
the girl of my dreams
precious little flower
adorable beloved
future mother of my children
the sweetest truest gift there could be

…what did you think was going to happen?

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23

12 2008


by andy
posted in shape
No Comments

True Story

I
once saw
a baker
toss an onion
in water
boiling
hot.

On
closer
inspection,
it was covered
with tiny
bagels
!!!

“He,”
said I
to no one
but God, “is a
genius.
Also,
he’s

dyslexic.”

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22

12 2008


by andy
posted in shape
No Comments

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