Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

a simple misunderstanding

the coffee shop hadn’t a toaster
and all their bagels were plain
pale pathetic and frigid rings
wrapped up in tight cellophane

cold were the shivers this sent to me
freezing the spine in my back
how could a business still operate
with such an obvious lack?

no answer from the barista
gazing with big doughy eyes
half of me thought i would hear from her
do i with that want some fries?

lifeless and bleak was the future
in such a desolate place
no crumbs to clean from the toaster tray
no onion mess on my face

that’s why i doused it with gasoline
struck the matchbook and then ran
– not ‘cause the doe-eyed barista
jilted me for my best man


12 2009

in the pad

tv sports for hours and hours
unbrushed teeth and undrawn showers
breakfast pizza, dinner eggs
onion bagel crumbs on legs
what a messy, manly day
can you tell my wife’s away?


12 2009

Limerick #9

Reginald Williamson Bagel the Third
Married an onion bulb (or so I heard)
Until honeymoonin’
He thought she was human
(I think the whole thing’s completely absurd)

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12 2009


man crushed to death
by giant bin of onion bagels

it’s how he’d always hoped he’d go,
says wife

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09 2009


For four years now my bagel’s been the best I’ve ever had,
She’s nourished me through sick and health, through times both good and bad

Sometimes her skin gets toasty brown, but usually it’s pale,
It’s soft and smooth and appetizing, anything but stale

Her onions can be spicy, and they also can be sweet,
But any way you slice them, they’re the kind I like to eat

Our past four years have flown by faster than a toaster’s ding,
Still I can’t wait to get a taste of what our next ones bring

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08 2009

Owing an apology

I kicked the dog right off the bed late last night
(but animals don’t mind if you’re not polite)
Then I made the kids walk ten miles to school
(’cause seriously, have you seen the prices of fuel?)
I cooked food for me but made none for my spouse
(there was just one onion bagel left in the house)
But I burnt it like I was so terrified of
(oh why must I hurt the ones I truly love?)


07 2009

For Barla (aka Marry)

My bagel once was bare,
unbearable to stand
I’d barely get it in my mouth
then spit it out — so bland!

But then while at the market,
this morsel I did meet
It made my meal taste marvelous
— a magic onion treat!

At once I wanted nothing more
than for us to part never —
So soon we’ll whet our appetites
in wedded bliss forever!

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06 2009

wedding day

bagel took this onion
onion took this bagel
and everyone their peace forever held

we danced the macarena
and havad the nagila
and counted ourselves blessed that they’d been jelled


05 2009

Limerick #4

I wedded a wee farmer’s daughter
and felt so fortuned that I caught ‘er
when she stuck out her finger
I mistook her ringer
for an onion-baked bagel I bought ‘er

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03 2009

leadership is important

i know you’re married
but so am i

and when your bagels pop you know
we’ll both know that it’s time

so don’t you worry
’cause i won’t press

and when you say let’s wait
you know i’ll sit my onion on its shelf

and soon our spouses join in
’cause the union means we’re all in

and any effing forcefeeders
are totally like stalin

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03 2009