Archive for June, 2009

The Parting

I sliced through my bagel, onions and all,
watching two halves flank my knife and then fall;
And there in that instant, decided that I
should not stop myself with a severance so small.

My hand sent the blade crashing down through the plate,
its shattering tune did my eardrums elate;
I turned to the counter, told it goodbye,
and threw myself headlong at my now sealed fate.

Sawing through cupboards and saucepans and grills,
never before had life borne such thrills;
Down through the floorboards my dagger did fly
digging deeper and darker than oilmen’s drills.

Through the earth’s layers my bayonet burst,
’til into the caverns of Hell I’d immersed;
Hungering now in the fires I just sigh,
why didn’t I think to eat breakfast first?

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06 2009

Old Deli Proverb

Old age can bring you an expanding waist,
But with it come wisdom, and refined taste;

Ingredients, though, fare less well with time,
Learning only of mold, spoilage and slime;

So if you seek bagels that please your tongue,
Keep your baker old, but his onions young.


06 2009

A classically comedic misunderstanding from which hilarity ensues

The room key isn’t working,
so down the hall I’m lurking,
I tell the front desk lady but all that she is is smirking

So now I get hostile,
and tell her to go dial,
Her manager should hear of this but all she does is smile

About that time I see,
between teeth two and three,
A freshly chewed up remnant of onion bagel debris

It all was misconstrued,
she wasn’t being rude,
It’s just that a bread ring has got her in a real good mood

So I forgive that gaffe,
embrace the hotel staff,
And in the lobby we’ll share both a bagel and a laugh


06 2009

slow train to reno

yessir, this train is headed west, it is
but don’t think it’ll make it there today
i hear new fangled engines, they just whiz
but this one’s like the ones from yesterday

there’s men who poke the fires with a mace
and carry heavy loads across their back
they bake and boil at a steady pace
and shovel ‘til their fingernails turn black

and when our speed picks up it sure don’t last
‘cuz there’s too many stops along the line
compared to this you’d think that it was fast
to go watch onions ripen on the vine

now don’t go conversatin’ that i’m lyin’
‘cuz some book told you onions grow in dirt
i seen ‘em fall from trees ready fer fryin’
as sure as i am wearin’ this here shirt

you kids today think nothin’s left to learn
from folks like me who’ve fully aged and grown
you just don’t seem to even give a durn
‘bout letting us talk circles all alone

to speak of circles you should oughtta’ know
around this turn you’ll wanna’ peel yer eye
this train we’re on it goes so very slow
you’ll see the onion bagels tumblin’ by


06 2009

eat me

chop me into pieces
scald me with your flames
chew me ’til i’ll never form
that ringéd shape again

break me down with acid
digest me in your gut
then turn my carbs to cellulite
on your lumpy onion butt



06 2009

Maybe Australia

Complimentary bagel
Compliments of whom, exactly?
The maid?
The shuttle driver?
The front desk clerk?
Something tells me
You didn’t come from The Chef

You are utterly plain

You are squeamishly soft
And spineless
Your crust makes a plasticy
Against my teeth

You are a soul crusher
A crusher of souls
How must it feel to crush a man’s soul
so early in the morning?

They call you Continental
But what continent on Earth
Would claim you?


06 2009

In the Pickup Line at the Deli

Your eyes are like onions,
translucent and glazed;
Your brows are like yeast,
perpetually raised;
Your nostrils are rings
each surrounding a hole;
Inside which I eye a path
straight to your soul;
Your lips are so crusty
and crumby and cracked,
I just want to eat you;
How’m I supposed to react?

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06 2009

bagel, hand, coffee

grainy arc squeezed
by freshly painted fingernails
white glare
on shiny red
on khaki

dark flecks on this:
or onion?

too far to tell

lowers arc
into black
liquid exchanged for crumbs

teeth bite
mind races
but what of those dark flecks?
the answer:
so important
yet unreachable

gleaming jewelry jangles
with every dunk

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06 2009

“Pardon me, but these are not onions on my bagel”

My body’s been defeated
My mind just feels deflated
It’s like the waiter squatted on my meal and defecated


06 2009

summertime reminders

onion bagels
lying by the pool
glistening with body butter
and baking in the sun

don’t forget to flip over, bagels!

and go see a specialist
if an onion spot changes shape.


06 2009