Archive for May, 2009

do not disturb

last night i dreamt i took a stroll
among the onion flowers
the fragrant bulbs surrounded me
i walked and walked for hours
and when i stooped to touch the ground
i found instead of soil
a mix of salt and yeast and flour
with just a touch of oil
the setting sun burned fast and bright
sizzling the earth
and i slept soft on bagel beds
until the dawn’s rebirth


05 2009

good morning

it is a circle
it is an O
it is the look of
it is horror
it is terror
it is a scream
it is a silent scream
it is an onion flavored silent scream
it is unable to save you


05 2009

Please Don’t Call The ASPCA

I think your dog is drunk
Did somebody feed it beer?
It’s lookin’ all glassy-eyed
And lecherous
Like it’d wanna hump my leg
If it had more energy

That dog’s stumbling in circles
And barking at the toilet
And forgetting to life its leg
When it pees
Pass me another onion bagel
‘Cause this is pretty fun to watch


05 2009


through the clear plastic bag,
he watched the sun setting
on the day, and the life that he knew

through the clear plastic bag,
he saw his own breath
condense like a fresh morning dew

through the clear plastic bag,
he gasped and he clawed
and thought that his lungs would just melt

through the clear plastic bag,
he knew oh so clearly
exactly how onion bagels felt

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05 2009


enough with the talking animals already
or plots about world war II
and i got the picture long ago
that teenage boys try real hard to get laid

robots are generally difficult to kill
but that doesn’t mean i want to watch someone try
and i couldn’t care less if some lovelorn baker chick
captures her emotions inside onion bagels

so hollywood, if you’re listening
is it really so hard to understand
that i only want to see movies about pirates
(or at least people with hooks for hands)?



05 2009

too little, too late

i’m drowning in the ocean
not a life raft in sight
this little toaster waffle
won’t keep me upright

i’m fighting through the currents
in search of a buoy
that itty bitty muffin top
doesn’t float things worth hooey

i’m flailing in the water
someone toss me a ring!
your tiny onion bagel
couldn’t rescue anything

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05 2009

how this poison i’m about to inject you with will quickly and painfully kill you

within seconds,
it attacks
your respiration,
shriveling your lungs
like dried
onion flakes

soon your heart
will feel
squeezed in
a bagel hole,
a tortuous struggle
with every pump

finally your brain
will begin to melt,
and mushing
’til it turns to
cream cheese

excuse me one moment
i must
go fix breakfast
(why do i
even try this
before eating?)

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05 2009


the quarantined soldier
sits in his hole
warm water in a dirty cup
salty drip dangling from his brow

tan and brown forces
rising all around him
he stares at the onion sliver moon
and waits

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05 2009


this is important:
the water must be warm
the yeast must be dry
the dough must rise for about an hour

this means something:
i call but no answer
i wait for the tone
i try again in thirty minutes

this is important:
the salt must be kosher
the onions must be toasted
the rings must rise again, half as long as before

this means something:
you say you’re not home
your car’s in your driveway
your silhouette’s in your window, dancing

this is important:
the water must be sugared
the sheet must be greased
the oven must be preheated to 400 degrees

this means something:
the fire alarms blare
the ambulance arrives late
the police say it was all an accident


05 2009

This is how it ends

Put that bagel in a body bag
Its dough is dead and done for
Its codgered old crust is uncuttable
Its onions are offensively odorous

So dig it a grave, bury it, and beat it
(As soon as you leave, I’m still gonna eat it)

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05 2009