Archive for September, 2009


man crushed to death
by giant bin of onion bagels

it’s how he’d always hoped he’d go,
says wife

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09 2009

lox-flavored schmear

little fishy finning through a pool of creamy cheese
for all he knows, this carton stretches outward to the seas
i’ll snare him and i’ll spread him on the onion bagel shore
until that floppy flipper flaps his fishy fins no more


09 2009


does one small fib mean i cannot
still be an honest man?
if i skip just one football game
am i not still a fan?
might one psychotic passing thought
mean i’m no longer sane?
can one stray dried-up onion flake
make one’s bagel not plain?


09 2009

am pm

breakfast bite

with me
through the night

snores reach
such extremes

fill my dreams

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09 2009

onion junkie

he’s an onion junkie
he just can’t get enough
that’s why you shouldn’t ever
get hooked on the stuff

his eyelids twitch and
his palms are all sweaty
he grates it like cheese
onto his spaghetti

in bagels and soups
alone fried and bloomin’
that guy eats more onion
than should any human

he’s dingy and smelly
and looks really strange
ignore what he says
and don’t give him change


09 2009


fat boy walking round the playground parking lot
chest-high onion bagel rolling at his side
latex riding crop propelling it along

thwack thwack thwack
thwack thwack thwack

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09 2009

all-purpose slacker

shiftless sack of flour
bound to no one
but gravity
slinking ever securer in your paper pack

no thoughts of cookies
or loaves
or batches of onion bagels

isn’t it time you learned
a little responsibility?

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09 2009

from the depths

champagne bubble baths
dogs on trampolines
smiling faces of foreign-born children
sweat socks in the wash

lint traps overflow
toothless grins subside
vets overcharge for miniature neck braces
onion bagels bob to the surface

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09 2009


there’s nothing to see here
i haven’t changed a thing
just ordered my usual,
an onion-flavored ring

you know these onion bagels
are all i ever eat
so keep your distance ’cause they make
my breath smell just like feet

it’s true this bagel’s onion
why would i ever lie?
but please don’t come and sit with me
you’ll make me feel too shy

you’ve pulled away my napkin
and now my cover’s blown
why couldn’t you leave me
and my garlic bagel alone?

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09 2009


I’m the boss here
So do things my way,
You boil what I want
And bake when I say

Your hat is white paper
Your apron is checkered,
Keep them both clean
Or it goes on your record

If I find an onion
In the poppy seed station,
You won’t get a warning
You’ll be on probation

If my yeast goes bad
‘Cause you overstocked,
I’m not even joking
Your paycheck gets docked

Don’t bring me cream cheese
When I wanted schmear,
One phone call from me
Could destroy your career

Just keep the holes hollow
And your attitude in line,
Don’t ever dare cross me
And you’ll do just fine


09 2009