Archive for August, 2009


Bagel-head tweens in their skinny-legged jeans
Oft make me sneer, pucker and pout
I hear their crusts cracking and smell hygiene lacking
And generally get all creeped out

But once in a while a kid makes me smile
By toasting with style and grace
Tho it not long lasts, as he soon feels he has
To pop a big squirting onion on his face


08 2009

Weather, Or Not

This hillside is burning, and so is my heart
With homes, and relationships, falling apart
The things we once cherished are those we now harm
As fire trucks, and consciences, sound their alarm
Our tree trunks, and dreams for the future, are charred
Reduced to a pile of ash in the yard
Was the culprit a toaster set too far to dark?
Or a boiling hot, spiced bagel of a remark?


08 2009

who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

i bought a bag of bagels
said “onion” on the front
but when i opened them i had
something else to confront
for on each ring of onion
were popping up like weeds
unadvertised ingredients
you’d know as poppy seeds
at first i thought “what gives here?”
and then said “what the hell?”
but soon i realized that this ploy
was really just as well
for if i tried to sell you
a meal of borscht and poop
i think i’d also choose to focus
solely on the soup


08 2009


this juice is too pulpy
these eggs are too dry
those flakes are too corny
that toast is too rye
this bacon’s too greasy
that hash is too browned
this bagel’s too spicy,
and also too round


08 2009

carbo-loading = overrated

hurling bagels
blowing onions
spewing my cream cheese

working out post
breakfast really
brings me to my knees


08 2009

being eaten by a bear

not unexpected:
razored paws slice easily
through blood-lush flesh,
first bites taken from torso,
slobber is omnipresent

a complete surprise:
final thoughts focus
on the onion bagel,
sitting on my dash

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08 2009

birthday bagel

birthday bagel on my plate
cream cheese frosting – just one taste!

melting wax on onion crust
peels right off – no need to fuss!

let’s make this day extra nice
– dish me up a second slice!

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08 2009

Dirty Work – or – Don’t Even Ask What Happened in Rockford

Yanking on my bulbs
Yanking on my bulbs
I’ve got to get this batch of onions shipped off to DeKalb
Call the master freighter
Call the master freighter
He knows how to fill those boxes heading to Decatur
Oiling up my dough
Oiling up my dough
These rings of bread are due tomorrow up in Oswego
Fingering my holes
Fingering my holes
These bagels taste way better than the ones you get in Hull
Sucking cigarettes
Sucking cigarettes
My post-meal bliss should last me all the way to Joliet

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08 2009

Dante knows what I’m talking about

I’m cooking with Satan in the bowels of Hell
A kitchen so heated even souls perspire
Watching the dough rise with the angel who fell

But each time I reach for those treats I desire
Oniony bagels that tempt me eternal
His devilish toaster pops out rings of fire

Damn this unworking appliance infernal!
(Yet it’s meaningless to at Lucifer yell)
I’ll just write this grievance down in my journal
Then go to bed hungry once more in my cell


08 2009


tents and fires
dogs and s’mores
crickets drowning out my snores

eating breakfast
with no shirt
onion bagels caked with dirt



08 2009