Posts Tagged ‘alcohol’

I Am a Man

I am a man
I’m mean and strong
My fuse is short
My penis, long
I don’t need help
From here to there
My face and butt
Sprout lots of hair
I guzzle beer
While watching sports
Kids shield their eyes
When I wear shorts
I eat raw steaks
And spicy wings
(Plus onion flavored
Bagel rings)
I never cry
Except at night
Trying on bras
Is normal, right?
I laugh and curtsy
Skip and twirl
Oh man I wish
I was a girl!


11 2009

Overdoing It

In case you wonder why this morning finds me with a frown,
And why I grab my temples like some throbbing weighted crown,
The answer is as clear as my butt cheeks are through this gown:
I had too many onion bagels last night on the town.

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10 2009

The Ever-Changing Fortunes of the Guy Who Brought Bagels to the Tailgate Party

He was derided, then shunned
But when they tasted his onions,
Everyone there
Bought him
A beer.


09 2009

Please Don’t Call The ASPCA

I think your dog is drunk
Did somebody feed it beer?
It’s lookin’ all glassy-eyed
And lecherous
Like it’d wanna hump my leg
If it had more energy

That dog’s stumbling in circles
And barking at the toilet
And forgetting to life its leg
When it pees
Pass me another onion bagel
‘Cause this is pretty fun to watch


05 2009

stone sober logic

i woke in bagel puke again
familiar onion sludge
but i had zero drinks last night
so don’t be quick to judge

i think i must be suffering
from some foodborne disease
’cause whiskeys tend not to expire
but sometimes does cream cheese

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04 2009

Drinkin’ Song

I woke up this morning with me head achin’ split,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
From drinkin’ two too many whiskeys last nit’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
The light from the window was awfully brigh’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
And it hurt worse me head when I squint shut me eye,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
So I went to the bathroom where me aspirin are kempt,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
When I turned o’er the bottle it was completely empt’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
So I stumbled out the room and to the stairwell,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
But me hand missed the railing and downward I fell,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
End over end I tumbled toward the floor,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
Then me poor poundin’ head smashed through the kitchen door,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
Onto the linoleum I did flop,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
When I heard the toaster above me go pop,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
And across the sky flew some things that weren’t toast,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
But two pipin’ hot halves of the food I love most,
Oh bagel-ee, oh bagel-ah, oh bagel-i-o
End over end they dropped right in me mou’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
And wouldn’t you know me head feels better now!
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o


03 2009

Room Service

I drank too many alcohols
To keep my thoughts in order
So when he brought my breakfast
I lambasted the porter

And said he was a commie
That his wife looked just like Stalin
And then I threw some bottles
Which made him put a call in

To the mens in charge
Who were quite large
And they gave me sneers
While I pounded beers
But I didn’t care
And I let them stare
I kicked up my feet
But when I went to eat

The tray was filled with bagels
Yet when I sorted through that junk
Not a one of thems was onion
And I knew I’d ordered drunk


03 2009

Old Habits

I was blackout drunk,
and I surely stunk
of sweat and dirt and vomit
when I went to that joint
up at Downer’s Point,
hadn’t been there since Halley’s Comet.
But they knew me there
and they poured my share,
made it stiff as rigor mortis,
kept filling my cup
’til the sun came up,
and I rolled out like a tortoise.
Next thing I knew
I was coming to
in my ex- ex- ex-girlfriend’s apartment,
the sun shone unbearable
my head pounded terrible
like a fire at the fire department.
Still I gasped out her name
when I witnessed her frame,
stale and lifeless on the floor by the sink,
my onions were mussed
with fresh blood on my crust
and I thought What’s my AA group gonna’ think?


01 2009

onion bar baby

i met her at an onion bar
i could see in her eyes she was gone pretty far
she said “look at my tattoo!” but she pointed to a scar
we danced at the onion bar

she pulled me in the bathroom
smoke so thick you could scoop it with a spoon
the music was muffled but the drums they still boomed
we kissed in the bathroom

i said “how do i know you ain’t gonna bust me?”
she said “didn’t i tell you you could never trust me?”
i pulled out my toaster, but it was kinda rusty
she had a bagel, and it was kinda musty

but that didn’t stop us

we sat around and ate some more
we sat around and ate some more
we sat around and ate and then

i tried to drop the bagel and grab onto her hips
but she said “you gotta hold it steady, so the cream cheese doesn’t smear across my lips”


01 2009

Sworn Testimony of the Accused Onion Bagel

I cannot tell a lie
I have no alibi
For the night the murder took place
And although it seems damning
I have been seen slamming
Beer bottles in the deceased’s face
You see, when I’m drinking
I sometimes stop thinking
That vice I do surely possess
But as for this crime
You’re wasting your time
If you think that this bagel will confess
Instead my suggestion
Is for you to question
What made your detectives so sloppy
It takes not a sleuth
To uncover the truth
Since your crime scene is plastered with poppy


01 2009