Posts Tagged ‘hair’

I Paid For It, Alright

I bought myself a bagel
Paid for it in cash
Took a little bite and gave
Myself a cream cheese ‘stache

Still I liked its flavor
Sweet and oniony
So my second, larger bite
Made a cream cheese goatee

Blind to all the gawkers
Who clearly thought me weird
I bit the biggest bite of all
And got a cream cheese beard

That’s when they all stood up
Said to me “We’re through!”
Where’d they get the nerve to cut short
My job interview?

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24

11 2009


by andy
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a brief history of lies

the moon is made of cheese
the sun’s a bowl of chili
why are you all laughing?
i’m not being silly

the stars are sugar lumps
the milky way is candy
i’m not even joking
as sure as my name’s andy

pluto’s made of dog treats
mars is one big cherry
saturn’s ringed by onion bagels
or my face isn’t hairy

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06

10 2009


by andy
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Flavor Saver

They say my beard’s a flavor saver,
Which is fine with me,
It catches fallen scraps of food,
For the world to see;
But I don’t care if people laugh,
Hardy har hee hee,
‘Cause I still taste my onion bagel,
Well past half past three.

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19

08 2009


by andy
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extraction

the surgeon prepares his instruments

scalpel?
check (serrated)
forceps?
check (from the ice bucket)

fingers scrubbed, elbows pointed outward
he approaches his patient
and gets to work

such expert deft!
what practiced poise!
student viewers would surely stare
wide-eyed, wondering
at his untrembling hands
(if said students were actually here)

breath held
lip bitten
he removes the cat hair
from the cream cheese,
steps back from the table (kitchen)
and allows his onion bagel
to recuperate

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18

08 2009


by andy
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’80s Bagel

Feathered onion bangs
Wrapped in a neon napkin
Beeper clipped to crust

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14

08 2009


by andy
posted in haiku
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Schmear or no Schmear

That bagel’s got a soul patch!
It’s got so much soul!

That bagel’s got an earring
Stuck right through its hole!

That bagel’s got a game show
That prizes are won on!

That bagel’s got a briefcase!
It’s chock full of onion!

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22

04 2009


by andy
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just the lip

mustachioed bagel
you are a rare old onion indeed
always ready
to attend a bachelor party
or investigate crimes in hawai’i
or be eaten by someone
not afraid
of a little hair in his food

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21

04 2009


by andy
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growth

my onion bagel grew a beard
and ever since when i have smeared
cream cheese upon it i have feared
my butter knife would leave it sheared

(i bet its hairs would taste real weird)

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20

04 2009


by andy
posted in uncategorized
1 Comment