Archive for July, 2009

convenience, man, convenience

I’m traveling, man
I’m a
t r a v e l i n g  m a n
and I eat and I drink
what e v e r  I can
No liquids a l l o w e d
past the x-ray machine
No food to be bought
without  s p e n d i n g
some  g r e e n

Don’t have much cash
and it’s time to board
Give my coins
to  t h e  m a n
for the  o n e  t h i n g
I’ll afford

It’s a plain bagel
a  p l a n e  bagel
and it ain’t no
n o t h i n g t o w r i t e h o m e a b o u t
‘Cause back home
that  r i c h  o n i o n  c r u n c h
can’t be beat

But  t h i s  i s
a buzzkill
at  3 0 , 0 0 0  feet


07 2009

It’s been a long week here in the bagel taste-testing offices

Oh, what a mess of work in my inbox,
Cheeses, butters, herbed schmears and lox,
And bagels, of course, piled high as Fort Knox,
My burden weighs heavy, like cart to the ox.

But oxen can carry much more than they know,
Inspiring workers with all that they hoe,
So I’ll taste these baked rings of oniony dough,
And send each, once bitten, to the outbox below.

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07 2009

Limerick #6

I always am totally irked,
When bagel dough gets overworked —
The shapes fall so flat,
That onions look fat,
And I feel like my chain’s getting jerked.


07 2009

Owing an apology

I kicked the dog right off the bed late last night
(but animals don’t mind if you’re not polite)
Then I made the kids walk ten miles to school
(’cause seriously, have you seen the prices of fuel?)
I cooked food for me but made none for my spouse
(there was just one onion bagel left in the house)
But I burnt it like I was so terrified of
(oh why must I hurt the ones I truly love?)


07 2009

A Lapse in Judgement

Bagel blown to smithereens,
falling onion-flake-filled scenes.

I wish your hole had not fit quite
so well around that dynamite.


07 2009

a possible explanation as to why i woke up shouting “onion!” this morning

last night i dreamed
of two blades that gleamed
the first one sliced through a cheese that creamed

the second seemed
to be horror themed
when it cut the crust my bagel screamed

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07 2009

the loneliest bagel

once, we were six
all stacked in our sack
the closest of friends there could be

but each one got picked
made into a snack
and now all that’s left is just me

their scent lingers still
a strong onion smell
that oft makes me tear up and wail

i fear that i will
stay trapped in this cell
til time, and fresh air, turn me stale


07 2009


smokin’ hot bagels on each of my arms,
rings can’t resist all my oven-baked charms

sesames, poppies, onions and wheats,
i make ’em all come leave their crumbs in my sheets

pickin’ up roundies wherever i go,
they spread their cream cheese before i say hello

to all you shy bagels who can’t keep it real,
don’t hate the eata’, just hate the meal


07 2009


Some people are like chocolate bagels
too sweet to befriend
While others act like garlic bagels
bitter to the end
Those jalapeño cheddar types
think substance equals style
While yawn-inducing plain ol’ folks
aren’t even worth your while

That’s why the people I love most
achieve a noble balance
They’re more fun than some slice of toast
but don’t brag on their talents
They’re real and true like doughy rings
sprung from the onion seed
They don’t try to be everything
but they’re everything I need


07 2009

Sonnet VIII

The State came knocking, pounding on the door,
And when they busted through found quite a mess:
A dozen bagels strewn across the floor,
In varied, lurid stages of undress.

But far worse was an onion sliced in two,
With what they deemed was no remorse at all;
Its skin was slathered with a cream cheese glue,
That kept each half stuck to the kitchen wall.

The agents clenched their fists and cried Why, Lord?
Their souls were shattered, battered with self doubt;
One tried to hang himself with toaster cord,
Until the wiser, other belted out:

Without us there could never justice be —
These bagels need protective custody!


07 2009