Posts Tagged ‘communication’

Haiku #14

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explicit close-up of hole
onion bagel sext

topics: ,


11 2009

I Paid For It, Alright

I bought myself a bagel
Paid for it in cash
Took a little bite and gave
Myself a cream cheese ‘stache

Still I liked its flavor
Sweet and oniony
So my second, larger bite
Made a cream cheese goatee

Blind to all the gawkers
Who clearly thought me weird
I bit the biggest bite of all
And got a cream cheese beard

That’s when they all stood up
Said to me “We’re through!”
Where’d they get the nerve to cut short
My job interview?


11 2009

Something in Your Voice

You said “The weather’s changing”
but something in your voice
told me that’s not all you had to tell
And so on the potential
sad and tragic meanings
of that comment I began to dwell

Some sickness in your body
depression in your mind
surely were the things you could not say
I felt my spine a-shiver
and swallowed hard with dread
about your soon upcoming dying day

Though loathe to face this future
I looked into your eyes
thinking you would need to be consoled
But saw that onion bagels
had filled your cheeks and throat
and realized that you’d only meant “It’s cold”


11 2009

nice onions

why you staring at my shirt?
i’m not gawking at you, plus
even if you thought i was
i guarantee you that i were’t

can’t i wear stuff that i like?
some pants, this shirt, maybe a hat
without you bein all like that?
that horse you’re on is so low – psych!

you shirt-lookers are all the same
think your rules should lead every game
if you ask me, my shirt’s legit –
it just says “show your bagels” on it


09 2009

who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

i bought a bag of bagels
said “onion” on the front
but when i opened them i had
something else to confront
for on each ring of onion
were popping up like weeds
unadvertised ingredients
you’d know as poppy seeds
at first i thought “what gives here?”
and then said “what the hell?”
but soon i realized that this ploy
was really just as well
for if i tried to sell you
a meal of borscht and poop
i think i’d also choose to focus
solely on the soup


08 2009

season premieres

deserve a darkened
a comfortable chair,
and an audience that adheres
to a strict
no-talking policy;

the last of which
comes easier
(of course)
when onion bagels are served

topics: ,


08 2009

Conversation Cut Short

I can’t believe what you did to your derm,
Covered with onion bagel tatts so perm!

Cupping your hand to my ear you now murm,
(Those marks aren’t tatts; they’re a case of ringworm.)


07 2009

more energizing than coffee, less filling than a bagel

please mind your handwriting
when faxing in an order

because lox onion
and lox on ion

are two entirely
different breakfasts


07 2009

You Asked Me to Bagel-Sit

You asked me to bagel-sit,
so why is it that
you’re shocked to come home
from the place you’ve been at,
To find that your saucy-tongued
onion-filled brat
has been flattened and splattened
like a pestering gnat?

You asked me to bagel-sit;
upon him I sat.


07 2009

A classically comedic misunderstanding from which hilarity ensues

The room key isn’t working,
so down the hall I’m lurking,
I tell the front desk lady but all that she is is smirking

So now I get hostile,
and tell her to go dial,
Her manager should hear of this but all she does is smile

About that time I see,
between teeth two and three,
A freshly chewed up remnant of onion bagel debris

It all was misconstrued,
she wasn’t being rude,
It’s just that a bread ring has got her in a real good mood

So I forgive that gaffe,
embrace the hotel staff,
And in the lobby we’ll share both a bagel and a laugh


06 2009