Posts Tagged ‘movies’

Have I Seen This Lifetime Movie Already?

Young bagel heroine
fresh-faced and sweet
meeting the boy of her dreams

I’ve got a feeling
before this thing’s over
cops will find onion crumbs in his trunk


12 2009

Sonnet XII

This bagel’s somewhat darker than I like
Like Cage and Shue instead of Cheech and Chong
Or Jack Bauer instead of Barney Fife
I guess I let it toast a bit too long

These onions overwhelm all with their taste
Like Donald Trump with marble, glass and gold
Or one whose favorite band is Ace of Base
I guess my mixing hand was just too bold

This hole is fairly larger than ideal
Like any screen that broadcasts Carrot Top
Or any speaker playing songs by Seal
I guess my fingers knew not when to stop

But even though my similes are crummy,
I still think that this bagel’s pretty yummy


11 2009

For Virgil (or Michael Bay)

I only wrote about impressive things
Like gods and wars and nations’ prideful roots
Heroic tales to tickle queens and kings
Recited o’er the lilt of lyres and lutes
And thusly Fame and Fortune knew me well
For plebes rejoiced with every song I’d quill
They’d buy most any word I’d care to sell
Til coffers, and my ego, got their fill
But grandeur can accurse one to dementia
Convincing him to think his waste not foul
With formulaic plotlines in absentia
I now write only of my stomach’s growl;
Though my career is at an all-time low, it
Feels good to be an onion bagel poet


10 2009

Thanks for the rhyme, Zach Galifianakis

Smelly bag of onion bagels rotting in the sun
It’s such a shame to see you go to waste
Though I know decaying rings aren’t good for anyone
I can’t help but long for just a taste

I want to feel the crush of moldy fuzz against my teeth
Gorging on you right here in the yard
Then break your crust and tongue the putrid liquid underneath
— Does that make me some sort of retard?


09 2009

to us

we get along so famously,
like we’re on access hollywood;
our conversation is so rich,
it could get thieved by robin hood

we’re flirty, fun and fabulous,
like all those gay dudes on queer eye;
our chemistry is full of bangs,
like mr. wizard screwed bill nye

if he could feel the way we do,
keanu reeves would just say whoa;
we match each other perfectly,
like onion flakes and bagel dough

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07 2009

Bagel Horror Movie Prequels

Can breathe

Fresh air
Into a stale series,

Plus show how all that onion dough
Got cursed

In the first place.

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06 2009

Bagel Horror Movie Sequels

Show lots more

And dried up
Onion bits

Than the originals.

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06 2009

Bagel Horror Movies

Tend to include

Serrated knives,
Chase scenes through onion fields,
And toasters rigged

Not to pop.


06 2009

The Bucket List

How many bagels must I try
before I can contented die?

If I select first an onion,
the answer I suppose is “one.”


06 2009


enough with the talking animals already
or plots about world war II
and i got the picture long ago
that teenage boys try real hard to get laid

robots are generally difficult to kill
but that doesn’t mean i want to watch someone try
and i couldn’t care less if some lovelorn baker chick
captures her emotions inside onion bagels

so hollywood, if you’re listening
is it really so hard to understand
that i only want to see movies about pirates
(or at least people with hooks for hands)?



05 2009