Posts Tagged ‘murder’

There are such things as stupid questions

Some people ask, Why onions, Ted?
Why not some other flavored bread?
Why must your favor just be found
in bagels with bulbs from the ground?

To such as these I turn and sneer
then slice their throats from ear to ear
I’ve no time for naïveté
And my name’s Andy, anyway


12 2009

Have I Seen This Lifetime Movie Already?

Young bagel heroine
fresh-faced and sweet
meeting the boy of her dreams

I’ve got a feeling
before this thing’s over
cops will find onion crumbs in his trunk


12 2009

Sonnet VIII

The State came knocking, pounding on the door,
And when they busted through found quite a mess:
A dozen bagels strewn across the floor,
In varied, lurid stages of undress.

But far worse was an onion sliced in two,
With what they deemed was no remorse at all;
Its skin was slathered with a cream cheese glue,
That kept each half stuck to the kitchen wall.

The agents clenched their fists and cried Why, Lord?
Their souls were shattered, battered with self doubt;
One tried to hang himself with toaster cord,
Until the wiser, other belted out:

Without us there could never justice be —
These bagels need protective custody!


07 2009


The bagel tournament ran long today
so the finalists will finish tomorrow;
Onion remains the odds-on favorite
but the wagers tell a different story

If onion awakens stale as a stone
in tupperware riddled with pinholes,
The poppyseed posse placing those bets
will sure have some explaining to do


07 2009

how this poison i’m about to inject you with will quickly and painfully kill you

within seconds,
it attacks
your respiration,
shriveling your lungs
like dried
onion flakes

soon your heart
will feel
squeezed in
a bagel hole,
a tortuous struggle
with every pump

finally your brain
will begin to melt,
and mushing
’til it turns to
cream cheese

excuse me one moment
i must
go fix breakfast
(why do i
even try this
before eating?)

topics: ,


05 2009

of passion

far behind the yellow tape
(where prying lenses can’t see)
a toppled dresser
a shattered mirror
latex gloves abound
pointing and
putting things in tiny plastic bags:
onion slivers
napkin fibers
someone says a knife is missing
but judging from
the pool of crumbs
the cream cheese splatter on the wall —
it certainly wasn’t missing

topics: ,


05 2009

An Obviously Unjust Verdict

I warning you Judge, I’m gonna’ appeal
‘Cause these twelve aren’t a jury of my peers
None of them are as good-looking as me
Their schooling pales next to my Ph.D.
Heads of state never ask for their advice
Party planners don’t sculpt their busts in ice
Their 401Ks aren’t fully vested
And they weren’t just recently arrested

There’s no way you can think this jury’s like me still
‘Specially since onion bagels don’t drive them to kill


02 2009

Old Habits

I was blackout drunk,
and I surely stunk
of sweat and dirt and vomit
when I went to that joint
up at Downer’s Point,
hadn’t been there since Halley’s Comet.
But they knew me there
and they poured my share,
made it stiff as rigor mortis,
kept filling my cup
’til the sun came up,
and I rolled out like a tortoise.
Next thing I knew
I was coming to
in my ex- ex- ex-girlfriend’s apartment,
the sun shone unbearable
my head pounded terrible
like a fire at the fire department.
Still I gasped out her name
when I witnessed her frame,
stale and lifeless on the floor by the sink,
my onions were mussed
with fresh blood on my crust
and I thought What’s my AA group gonna’ think?


01 2009

Sworn Testimony of the Accused Onion Bagel

I cannot tell a lie
I have no alibi
For the night the murder took place
And although it seems damning
I have been seen slamming
Beer bottles in the deceased’s face
You see, when I’m drinking
I sometimes stop thinking
That vice I do surely possess
But as for this crime
You’re wasting your time
If you think that this bagel will confess
Instead my suggestion
Is for you to question
What made your detectives so sloppy
It takes not a sleuth
To uncover the truth
Since your crime scene is plastered with poppy


01 2009

The Greatest Bagel Ever Boiled

It wasn’t a perfect “O”
like you’re thinking
more like an italicized D
And it wasn’t all that fresh
mere hours from being stale
in fact
And the onion flakes stuck to its sides
were more than a little

But when the old man took a bite
he changed his mind
And didn’t kill his wife
after all


12 2008