Posts Tagged ‘celebrity’

Talent, Schmalent

What do the Hoff and that British guy know?
America’s Got Onion Bagels” is a much better show.

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09 2009

Thanks for the rhyme, Zach Galifianakis

Smelly bag of onion bagels rotting in the sun
It’s such a shame to see you go to waste
Though I know decaying rings aren’t good for anyone
I can’t help but long for just a taste

I want to feel the crush of moldy fuzz against my teeth
Gorging on you right here in the yard
Then break your crust and tongue the putrid liquid underneath
— Does that make me some sort of retard?


09 2009

absolutely fab

standing proudly
atop the rocky crag
bronze skin shimmering
beneath the glowing sun
shirt unbuttoned
far too far for comfort
and long blonde locks
flowing freely in the wind

you are half man
half onion bagel
the love spawn of fabio
and a particularly attractive
wad of dough

you grace the covers
of calendars and cookbooks
bringing women and foodies
to tears
and to their knees


05 2009

Scent by Numbers

At mile marker 98
just past Route 42
I like to put the windows down
and let fresh air blow through

First I pass the rows of corn
tall and green like trees
Their smell, though nice, sticks in my teeth
so I give them a “3”

Next up is the berry patch
a sweet and fragrant heaven
But too much sugar rots my nose
still they get a “7”

Finally the onion fields
come up around the bend
Their pungent, piercing, bold bouquet
earns them a perfect “10”

I breathe in deep and scrunch my nose
just like Robert DeNiro
Until I pass the cattle ranch —
with its stinky, bagel “Zero”


05 2009