Archive for the ‘uncategorized’Category

Fat Man on a Bench

that shirt
probably fit him
once
but not today
the cool breeze
slapping through the treetops
says hello
to his bare, bulbous belly
(but there is no answer)

he is busy
eating
a polish sausage

these sounds
with every bite:
labored breaths through
narrow nasal passages,
wax paper crinkling
beneath pudgy fingertips,
wings fluttering
as attentive pigeons
jockey for position
(should some small morsel fall)

and then one does

the slippery slice
of onion
slides off his sausage,
and
drops
straight
onto
his
stomach

this, he notices

and as quickly as it fell,
he scoops it up
slurps it down
and catches me staring at him

his revenge is swift:
two hands encircle
his shiny, oil-stained navel,
one quick shake
in my direction
and he returns
to his meal

he’s shown me
his belly bagel

and deep down,
i know i deserve it




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08

04 2009

The Bagel of Love

My love for you’s a circle
a never-ending ring
As soon as I complete it
I start circling again
Before long I get dizzy
and back and forth I sway
But still I keep on loving you
until I can’t see straight
At some point I get spin-sick
start hacking up a lung
I black out then come to face down
in half-digested onion
Yet I know it’s all worth it
for you’re my favorite thing
I’ll shower off then get right back
to loving you again




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07

04 2009

“Cream Cheese” Clarence, The Onion Bagel Pimp

Where’s my money, Bagel?
Gotta’ sell dat honey, Bagel
Better get my money, Bagel
Yo this ain’t funny, Bagel
Go’n ‘n make my money, Bagel
Or else my disposition is apt to become somewhat less than sunny, Bagel

Where’s my money, Bagel?




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06

04 2009

great american works

framed paintings
up on the wall
hundreds like them
just down the hall

many sculptures
out on display
bronze, ivory,
marble and clay

bold photos
large and well-lit
thoughtful viewers
ponder and sit

but out in the lobby
on the food cart
a fresh onion bagel
— now that is art!




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05

04 2009

high rise

steaming stack
of onion bagels
towering toward
the sky
your scope
is stirring
your highness
is humbling
your aroma
arouses all

i think
you are quite
an erection




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04

04 2009

blogmaster #1!!!

my bagel blog is going strog
it gets mo hits than that sk8boarding dog

read my posts n yo mind will boggle
if u dont bleave me look it up on goggle

i brake da newz just like perez
and my bannrs earn lrge chedder chese

my bagel vids get wachted a ton n
like “mentos & plain” and “2 girls 1 onion”

ok im lyin nobuddy reads it
sideways sad face ctrl-alt-delede it

w/all this typos itll nvr get big
can i has sum sorta spell-check on this thig?




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03

04 2009

Beans

My baby is the beans to my burrito
the Cool Ranch seasoning to my Dorito
Her love’s the hot sauce on my chicken wing
she always gets my gravy thickening
She’s the Pez I want in my Dispenser
she knows how to put garlic in my mincer
My girl’s the icing on my English tea cake
and the Whiz Wit’ inside my Philly Cheesesteak

She’s the sugar in my coffee and the honey in my tea
the Fruit that’s in my Roll-Up and the Sun in my Capri
She’s wasabi on my sushi and the corn around my cob
the super tasty Everlasting stopper to my Gob

As if this weren’t already a fulfilling love buffet I’ll
just throw in that my baby is the onion to my bagel




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02

04 2009

Intelligent Design

Though there are many bagels, with tons of tastes to savor,
I couldn’t shake the feeling there must be a chosen flavor,
The doubters spoke up often, and said No You can’t Never,
But still to find this favored taste became my life’s endeavor,
My science was unfailing, my methods on the level,
They proved beyond suspicion that most bagels were the devil,
I counted and recounted, some seventy times seven,
And now it’s plain to see that onion bagels come from heaven.




01

04 2009

Observing the Slow-Motion Fall of a Bagel Into a Pool of Milk

rotating, arcing
against a void, a blankness
a wall
its shiny skin
reflecting light
from a bulb
bending it, turning it
now it is soft
now it is still soft
and now
it is harsher
that bulb must be
a thousand watts
of hot
white
white

and now it is gone

and the light brown circle
now oval
now circle again
is about
to reach
the surface
it is a circle
it is an oval
and we hold
our breath
in anticipation

splash!

curving walls
of white
snake up
snake down
the ring
tosses
tilts
and tosses
some more

but now
it rests
it floats
and a thousand tiny ripples
run out from it
run away from it

they run
until they are gone
forever
like so many
onion-soaked
dreams
we once had




30

03 2009

Drinkin’ Song

I woke up this morning with me head achin’ split,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
From drinkin’ two too many whiskeys last nit’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
The light from the window was awfully brigh’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
And it hurt worse me head when I squint shut me eye,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
So I went to the bathroom where me aspirin are kempt,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
When I turned o’er the bottle it was completely empt’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
So I stumbled out the room and to the stairwell,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
But me hand missed the railing and downward I fell,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
End over end I tumbled toward the floor,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
Then me poor poundin’ head smashed through the kitchen door,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
Onto the linoleum I did flop,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
When I heard the toaster above me go pop,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
And across the sky flew some things that weren’t toast,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
But two pipin’ hot halves of the food I love most,
Oh bagel-ee, oh bagel-ah, oh bagel-i-o
End over end they dropped right in me mou’,
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o
And wouldn’t you know me head feels better now!
Oh onion-ee, oh onion-ah, oh onion-i-o




29

03 2009