Archive for July, 2009

Sonnet VII

From miles around they come to see him speak,
Despite the fact his speeches are horrific,
His oratory could not be more weak
If it was watered down by the Pacific;
His voice is chill-inducingly abrasive,
His breath spurts out in phlegmy little seeps,
The only time his talks could be persuasive
Is if their aim was to give you the creeps;
To calm his nerves he doesn’t play that game
Of picturing his listeners in the nude,
Instead he drops his own pants with no shame,
Which normally would get a speaker booed;

Yet everyone accepts his tasteless acts,
Since each speech ends with onion bagel snacks.


07 2009

dressing room mirror, denier of truth

deluded onion bagel

trying on
those super

you know i love you

but pita bread,
you ain’t


07 2009

Sweet, Sweet Onion Bagel Memories (Are All That I Have Left)

My first bite of bagel burnt the tip of my tongue,
so to cool it I blew all the air from my lung.

The next bite was so hot it scalded my lip,
so I sent it to Iceland on a simmer-down trip.

The steam from bite three felt like fire on my face,
so I built it a rocket and launched it through space.

Now my wounds have healed and my bagel’s no more,
yet I find myself longing for bite number four.


07 2009

Sonnet VI

Some chefs have reached a level quite elite,
But I can’t say that I am one of those;
In every dish their skillful talent shows,
While anything I make just tastes like feet.
I tend to burn all sauces, eggs and meat,
(Though chicken comes out pinker than a rose);
My soup and sandwich sucks, my salad blows,
Desserts look like I scraped them off the street.

But there’s one food I make that’s not a crime,
In fact it’s something many people want;
Word that my toasted rings are so sublime,
Has spread from California to Vermont;
Come taste them and you’ll too realize that I’m
An onion bagel idiot savant.


07 2009

Conversation Cut Short

I can’t believe what you did to your derm,
Covered with onion bagel tatts so perm!

Cupping your hand to my ear you now murm,
(Those marks aren’t tatts; they’re a case of ringworm.)


07 2009

baby be good

baby be good, baby be nice
baby don’t make me have to ask you twice
if you’d behave i would pay any price
baby be good,
baby be nice

all through the nighttime you holler and wail
keeping me trapped in a sleep deprived jail
are you just bored or do you truly ail?
baby so fragile,
baby so frail

baby i’m begging you down on all fours
what can i give to make you stop these roars?
if i must, my onion bagel is yours
baby contented,
finally snores


07 2009

to us

we get along so famously,
like we’re on access hollywood;
our conversation is so rich,
it could get thieved by robin hood

we’re flirty, fun and fabulous,
like all those gay dudes on queer eye;
our chemistry is full of bangs,
like mr. wizard screwed bill nye

if he could feel the way we do,
keanu reeves would just say whoa;
we match each other perfectly,
like onion flakes and bagel dough

topics: , ,


07 2009

i caught her crying again

though she cleared her throat,
and sleeved
her tissue

i knew
the moment i walked in

her face was blotched as an onion bagel
and her eyes
as empty as holes



07 2009

Our Top Story

Could just eating breakfast murder your dog?
I gasp at the TV, jaw hung agog
Groceries are sending our kittens to heaven!
Will your pet be next? Find out at eleven!
Harrowed, I stroke at my furrowing brow,
Searching for ways to avoid this somehow;
What could be causing these untimely deaths?
My pulse speeds to pace my quickening breaths

Too harried to sit, too nervous to eat,
My bagel untouched I let plunge to my feet;
Hour after hour I pace rings on the rug,
Damn that reporter’s interest-piquing mug!

I watch all the game shows, the sitcoms and then
An exposé on cream cheese industry men;
Finally that local news theme music comes:
The dee de-dee dees, the dum du-dum dums

Smiles and makeup and teeth ear to ear,
This is what I’ve waited so long to hear!
If you love your pet, there are steps you must take!
We’ll say what they are, right after this break!
Blast it! How long these attention whores stall!
I fling the remote, and flinch as its fall
Is broken by Fluffy, asleep on the floor;
Oh please be okay! I beg and implore

Peering much closer, I see what I dread
On top of its shoulders, and below its head;
The bagel I’d dropped has turned hard as a puck,
An oniony noose, ’round its neck now stuck

The anchor’s voice pierces my ears with a chill:
Get food off the ground, ’cause bagels can kill!


07 2009

breakfast on the balcony

this brown paper bag
is warm to the touch
fingertips tickled
by hot steam and such
the heat gets so great
that i’m losing my clutch —
farewell, onion bagel
i loved you so much


07 2009