Archive for January, 2009

the darkness

the darkness sets in
not again
i pray
but i know it’s too late

my face
furious
hot heat beyond
control
i spring up
i sprint forth

pulse
pounding lungs
___screaming not
enough air not
__enough time i

slide stockings                      across linoleum

mouth agape
from panting
__no
from horror
for now
i see it

black smoke spiraling ceilingward
onion bagel burning below

i curse the
120-volt
funeral pyre
before me

both for not
popping
when it should have
___and
for not being
powerful enough
to take
___my
_wretched
____life
as well

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11

01 2009


by andy
posted in shape
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Haiku #3

Proposed fad diet:
Don’t eat meat, fruit, cheese or nuts.
Just onion bagels.

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10

01 2009


by andy
posted in haiku
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Reflections on Daughterhood

“Be wary of men bearing bagels,”
My mother would often warn me,
“Although they may make you feel thankful,
Such gifts are quite often not free.”

If only my youthful ears listened
Alas! I believed I knew better,
My morals were frequently loosened
By an Xs- and Bagels-signed letter.

I’d smile for a boy serving sesames,
I’d wink at a guy wielding wheats,
Before long, men were undressing me
By baiting me with blueberry treats.

But my heart only fell for one Romeo
Who made me forget all the rest,
His sweet onion bagel aroma
Awakened true love in my breast.

In nine months I found myself natal,
And our daughter drove him away,
“Be wary of men bearing bagels,”
I oftentimes tell her today.

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09

01 2009


by andy
posted in uncategorized
1 Comment

the impatient poet – or – perhaps it’s time to update the DSM-IV

i’m sorry, doctor, but it’s happening again
what is this, eleven, twelve times in a row?
i swear i’m not trying to sway this exam
i’m simply reciting the objects you show

another, now another, i can’t take much more
oh please won’t you finally tell me we’re through?
these sessions are making me crazier than before—
that ink blot looks just like an onion bagel too!

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08

01 2009


by andy
posted in uncategorized
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Sworn Testimony of the Accused Onion Bagel

I cannot tell a lie
I have no alibi
For the night the murder took place
And although it seems damning
I have been seen slamming
Beer bottles in the deceased’s face
You see, when I’m drinking
I sometimes stop thinking
That vice I do surely possess
But as for this crime
You’re wasting your time
If you think that this bagel will confess
Instead my suggestion
Is for you to question
What made your detectives so sloppy
It takes not a sleuth
To uncover the truth
Since your crime scene is plastered with poppy

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07

01 2009


by andy
posted in uncategorized
1 Comment

Haiku #2

onion shavings fall
smooth golden surface revealed
manscaping bagel

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06

01 2009


by andy
posted in haiku
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I’ll Try a Box of the Onion Ones

Krispy Kreme
sells
Doughnut Holes

Are you
listening,
Einstein Bros.?

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05

01 2009


by andy
posted in uncategorized
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Sonnet I

I stood one winter by the river’s bank,
And gazed across at the thickening ice.
I had my Lord and my baker to thank,
For my meal was warm, so toasty and nice.
It smelled of onions, life’s richest bouquet,
Its skin shimmered brown beneath the sun’s glow.
Though heav’nly bodies I dare not betray,
I swear I beheld it melting the snow!
The blanket of white was thinned to a sheet,
And life anew arose hysterical,
Up sprouted shrubbery, grasses and wheat:
Eden reborn, a wond’rous miracle!
Soon that frozen river babbled once more,
And I swam safely to the other shore.

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04

01 2009


by andy
posted in sonnet
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Limerick #2

There once was an onion topped bagel
Whose hole was too small to finagle
At first I said “Doh! Pwhaaa?!?”
But then I watched Oprah
And learned it was flexing its Kegel

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03

01 2009


by andy
posted in limerick
2 Comments

Don’t tell him I said this

Between you and me,
there’s this guy
on the docks
who works eighteen hour shifts
He opens
beer bottles
just with his teeth
and catches black marlin barehanded
He benches
three eighty
runs marathons each week
and memorized Pi to ninety digits
He tries law
in Jersey
and wins every case
and always finds contact lenses when you drop them
He tutors
celebrities’ kids
in ceramics
and decorates condos on the weekends
He’s a universal donor
a volunteer firefighter
a Big Brother, a junior senator and a physician
He can solve
all your problems
and answer your prayers —
but not until he gets his morning onion bagel in him,
because before that he’s just a big old worthless sleepy crabby crankypants

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02

01 2009


by andy
posted in uncategorized
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