Posts Tagged ‘sex’

“Cream Cheese” Clarence, The Onion Bagel Pimp

Where’s my money, Bagel?
Gotta’ sell dat honey, Bagel
Better get my money, Bagel
Yo this ain’t funny, Bagel
Go’n ‘n make my money, Bagel
Or else my disposition is apt to become somewhat less than sunny, Bagel

Where’s my money, Bagel?

topics: , ,


04 2009

a love poem of sorts

i need to know
how is it so
that rings of dough
make my blood flow

for i can’t see
how it could be
that it’s just me
whose heart’s so free

to heed that call
in lust i fall
and then we ball
onions and all

topics: ,


03 2009

leadership is important

i know you’re married
but so am i

and when your bagels pop you know
we’ll both know that it’s time

so don’t you worry
’cause i won’t press

and when you say let’s wait
you know i’ll sit my onion on its shelf

and soon our spouses join in
’cause the union means we’re all in

and any effing forcefeeders
are totally like stalin

topics: , ,


03 2009


Dirty Sanchez
ain’t so dirty
Cleveland Steamer
ain’t so steamy
Until you do the
Onion Bagel
Your sex life
ain’t so seamy



02 2009


I’m a churchgoing bagel, Heaven is my goal
I’m a God-fearing bagel, only He can save my soul
I’m a tolerating bagel, I won’t judge a jelly roll
I’m a virtue-laden bagel, which is something to extol

Yet I’m a weak-willed bagel when the Devil takes control
and I can’t stop inserting objects in my onion hole

topics: , ,


02 2009

onion bar baby

i met her at an onion bar
i could see in her eyes she was gone pretty far
she said “look at my tattoo!” but she pointed to a scar
we danced at the onion bar

she pulled me in the bathroom
smoke so thick you could scoop it with a spoon
the music was muffled but the drums they still boomed
we kissed in the bathroom

i said “how do i know you ain’t gonna bust me?”
she said “didn’t i tell you you could never trust me?”
i pulled out my toaster, but it was kinda rusty
she had a bagel, and it was kinda musty

but that didn’t stop us

we sat around and ate some more
we sat around and ate some more
we sat around and ate and then

i tried to drop the bagel and grab onto her hips
but she said “you gotta hold it steady, so the cream cheese doesn’t smear across my lips”


01 2009

Reflections on Daughterhood

“Be wary of men bearing bagels,”
My mother would often warn me,
“Although they may make you feel thankful,
Such gifts are quite often not free.”

If only my youthful ears listened
Alas! I believed I knew better,
My morals were frequently loosened
By an Xs- and Bagels-signed letter.

I’d smile for a boy serving sesames,
I’d wink at a guy wielding wheats,
Before long, men were undressing me
By baiting me with blueberry treats.

But my heart only fell for one Romeo
Who made me forget all the rest,
His sweet onion bagel aroma
Awakened true love in my breast.

In nine months I found myself natal,
And our daughter drove him away,
“Be wary of men bearing bagels,”
I oftentimes tell her today.


01 2009

Limerick #2

There once was an onion topped bagel
Whose hole was too small to finagle
At first I said “Doh! Pwhaaa?!?”
But then I watched Oprah
And learned it was flexing its Kegel

topics: ,


01 2009

oh, yeasty temptress

damn, bagel
you are lookin

i like your bumps
—your lovely

and that hole of yours
is givin

topics: ,


12 2008

Limerick #1

His feet were befouled with bunions
His breath stank quite stalely of Funyuns
But men all admired
And girls all desired
‘Cause his bagels were covered in onions

topics: , ,


12 2008