Posts Tagged ‘tv’

a tissue tirade –or– putting your nose where it doesn’t belong

i take some real issues with soft facial tissues
being utilized as breakfast plates
they’ve many a feature that could make you reach your
wit’s end in desperate straits

when hot from the toaster your food needs a coaster
to safeguard your palm’s tender skin
but in this arena a tissue’s no Xena
its armor’s insufficiently thin

also on this topic it would be myopic
to think a mere Kleenex could guard
from getting quite ripped each time that it’s gripped
too tight against an onion shard

and you’ve got a brain disease if you like your cream cheese
covered with fine tissue lint
and unless you like tallow eating crust smeared with aloe
is something you’ll wish that you didn’t

so throw that Scott’s from your hand and yell Puffs you be damned
if you don’t want your mouth to feel crapped in
for optimum flavor do your taste buds a favor
and please put your bagel on a napkin

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03 2009

The Bagelor

First he picked the Sesame
but when he sent the Other away,
The rivers pouring from his eyes
his true feelings did betray

The memories of departed love
were not ones he could shake,
So when he had a second chance
he said this was a mistake

He broke the fresh-baked Bagel heart
of the first one that he chose,
Then wisely offered his Onion love
the last and final rose


03 2009

Let’s Talk About Heroes

Let’s talk about Heroes
and all the exciting events from last night’s episode
Let’s really get into it
raising our voices
and gesturing with our arms for emphasis
Let’s review all the powers
that each of them has
and think about which ones we’d like
although we’ll be enthusiastic about it
our decisions will be grounded in logic
Let’s mention the Asian guy
and the cheerleader
and the one who’s going to be in that movie
and the one that can fly
(one of them can fly, right?)

Let’s talk about how
I’ve never really seen the show
so I’ve got a lot of catching up to do
Let’s have green tea
and onion bagels
for hours on end
while you tell me all the things that I’ve missed


02 2009

Enlightening the World, One Bite at a Time

This bagel sitting before me,
is better than I’ll ever be;
For I’m a statue, so lazy,
just watching refuse on TV;
Yet it smells sweet and oniony,
and offers up this guarantee:

“Bring to me all your hungry,
your twisted tummies too achy;
I lift my lamp for these to see
a tasty way to set thee free!”

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01 2009

Praise Song for the Bagel, A Poem for Watching Barack Obama’s Presidential Inauguration on TV

Each morning we go and do our business,
we flush and we jump in the shower
or not, drying and then dressing.

All inside us is hunger. All inside us is
pang and rumble, yearn and ache, we
long for something touching our tongues.

Someone is scrambling an egg, boiling
water for coffee, Popping a Tart,
heating the things that taste better hot.

A woman in a hairnet waits on tables.
A line cook examines the melting butter.
A hostess says Please. Let me seat you now.

Say it plain: that many have slaved over this meal.
Sing the names of those who brought it here,
who plowed the fields, planted the crops,

picked the onions and the wheat, kneaded
batch by batch the glorious dough
they would then roll into perfect little rings.

Praise song for the bakers, praise song for the meal.
Praise song for every boiled little bite,
the chewing-it-up at kitchen tables.

Some live by you are what you eat,
others by an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But what if the mightiest food is bagels?

Praise song for getting something in our stomachs.


01 2009

Limerick #2

There once was an onion topped bagel
Whose hole was too small to finagle
At first I said “Doh! Pwhaaa?!?”
But then I watched Oprah
And learned it was flexing its Kegel

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01 2009