Archive for the ‘uncategorized’Category

liar

there’s nothing to see here
i haven’t changed a thing
just ordered my usual,
an onion-flavored ring

you know these onion bagels
are all i ever eat
so keep your distance ’cause they make
my breath smell just like feet

it’s true this bagel’s onion
why would i ever lie?
but please don’t come and sit with me
you’ll make me feel too shy

you’ve pulled away my napkin
and now my cover’s blown
why couldn’t you leave me
and my garlic bagel alone?

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22

09 2009


by andy
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Orientation

I’m the boss here
So do things my way,
You boil what I want
And bake when I say

Your hat is white paper
Your apron is checkered,
Keep them both clean
Or it goes on your record

If I find an onion
In the poppy seed station,
You won’t get a warning
You’ll be on probation

If my yeast goes bad
‘Cause you overstocked,
I’m not even joking
Your paycheck gets docked

Don’t bring me cream cheese
When I wanted schmear,
One phone call from me
Could destroy your career

Just keep the holes hollow
And your attitude in line,
Don’t ever dare cross me
And you’ll do just fine

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21

09 2009


by andy
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work in progress

half-baked
misshaped
sticky onion mess
doesn’t look like anything
you’d ever serve
your guests

patience
progress
perfection comes with time
what now appears substandard
will in moments
be sublime

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20

09 2009


by andy
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dreamless sleep

dreamless sleep

a dog without a tongue
an unpotted plant
cream cheese smothering the cold, heartless onion bagel that is my life
that isn’t even there

the only sleep i ever know

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18

09 2009


by andy
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Forever Selfish

I’ve had my share of onion bagels
and told my share of lies
Like “I’m all out of onion bagels”
when I had vast supplies

But sadly I can’t blame these fibs
on errors of my youth
For even in old age my hungry
mouth tells this untruth

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16

09 2009


by andy
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Talent, Schmalent

What do the Hoff and that British guy know?
“America’s Got Onion Bagels” is a much better show.

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14

09 2009


by andy
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I hate football

Crooked referees with your pocket full of lies
Revising history right before my very eyes

Saying plays are legal even though they’re not allowed
Showing zero shame in pandering to the home crowd

You clearly have no problem selling out your very souls
I bet you’d even call my onion bagels jelly rolls

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12

09 2009


by andy
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The Ever-Changing Fortunes of the Guy Who Brought Bagels to the Tailgate Party

He was derided, then shunned
But when they tasted his onions,
Everyone there
Bought him
A beer.

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10

09 2009


by andy
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Soon

Soon is slippery
It’s well-oiled dough
It may rise fast
Or take ages to grow

Soon is layered
Though tasty at first
The bigger your bite
The greater your thirst

Soon is deceptive
A hole baked in bread
The promise of fullness
That’s empty instead

Soon is crooked
Like my furrowed brow
Though I’ll see you soon,
I miss you right now

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09

09 2009


by andy
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Thanks for the rhyme, Zach Galifianakis

Smelly bag of onion bagels rotting in the sun
It’s such a shame to see you go to waste
Though I know decaying rings aren’t good for anyone
I can’t help but long for just a taste

I want to feel the crush of moldy fuzz against my teeth
Gorging on you right here in the yard
Then break your crust and tongue the putrid liquid underneath
— Does that make me some sort of retard?

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08

09 2009


by andy
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