Posts Tagged ‘animals’

Our Top Story

Could just eating breakfast murder your dog?
I gasp at the TV, jaw hung agog
Groceries are sending our kittens to heaven!
Will your pet be next? Find out at eleven!
Harrowed, I stroke at my furrowing brow,
Searching for ways to avoid this somehow;
What could be causing these untimely deaths?
My pulse speeds to pace my quickening breaths

Too harried to sit, too nervous to eat,
My bagel untouched I let plunge to my feet;
Hour after hour I pace rings on the rug,
Damn that reporter’s interest-piquing mug!

I watch all the game shows, the sitcoms and then
An exposé on cream cheese industry men;
Finally that local news theme music comes:
The dee de-dee dees, the dum du-dum dums

Smiles and makeup and teeth ear to ear,
This is what I’ve waited so long to hear!
If you love your pet, there are steps you must take!
We’ll say what they are, right after this break!
Blast it! How long these attention whores stall!
I fling the remote, and flinch as its fall
Is broken by Fluffy, asleep on the floor;
Oh please be okay! I beg and implore

Peering much closer, I see what I dread
On top of its shoulders, and below its head;
The bagel I’d dropped has turned hard as a puck,
An oniony noose, ’round its neck now stuck

The anchor’s voice pierces my ears with a chill:
Get food off the ground, ’cause bagels can kill!


07 2009

please ignore the cannibalistic overtones

busy little bagel
buzzing like a bee
trying to fill these toasters
and spread all that cream chee

if you can’t get them finished
for this morning’s meal
i’m afraid your little
onion brain is gonna peel!

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06 2009

Please Don’t Call The ASPCA

I think your dog is drunk
Did somebody feed it beer?
It’s lookin’ all glassy-eyed
And lecherous
Like it’d wanna hump my leg
If it had more energy

That dog’s stumbling in circles
And barking at the toilet
And forgetting to life its leg
When it pees
Pass me another onion bagel
‘Cause this is pretty fun to watch


05 2009

A Simple Request

I’m fine if I’m allergic
To cats or dogs or hay
Or if pollen tends to make my nose all runny
If my tongue starts to swell
From fish that’s in a shell
I’ll just get used to talking kind of funny

I wouldn’t mind if I could die
From just a trace of peanut
Or if I had to live in fear of bees
But please God keep from me
The dreaded allergy
Of fresh baked onion bagel halves and cream cheese


05 2009

Didn’t They Make a Movie About This?

When the stuntmouse jumped
his moped over
two dozen freshly baked bagels,

We had to admit
that if nothing else,
he had a big pair of onions.


04 2009


me bagel is watched by me trusty guard donkey
ee’s woolly and watchful and if ye hear im honkey
ye best turn afoot and git outta dis place
or eel frighten the onions right offa ye face!

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03 2009


lazy little bagel
afloat along the river
barely bobbing
so slowly spinning
content to be carried,
noticed by no one
but for the fishes
who wonder in its wake,
“what tastes like onion
over here?”

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03 2009