Archive for December, 2008

tell ’em jimmy the elf sent you

if your tire runs flat
and you haven’t a spare
and also you’re a magical forest creature

try using a bagel
with tread made of onions
i know a guy who could get you quite a deal




21

12 2008

Everything

seems oh so overwhelming
Nothing
feels a little too Plain
Seeds of all sorts
tend to bunch up my shorts
And Garlic
leaves a bad tasteĀ in my brain

Wheat
what a wasted opportunity
Salt
makes me thirsty as a flea
Cheese Ones are disquieting
(they make me feel like dieting)
And Egg
would revolt the bourgeoisie

Raisins
only serve to clog my toaster
Chocolate
will destroy you just like meth
Jalapenos, leave me be
For there’s just one kind for me
Give me Onion
or give me a swift death!




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20

12 2008

reconstructing a sentence

“you sir, are an onion
on the
otherwise respectable
bagel
of society”

sneered the judge
as he gave me
ten to twenty

“thank you”
i replied
“i’m flattered”




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19

12 2008

Limerick #1

His feet were befouled with bunions
His breath stank quite stalely of Funyuns
But men all admired
And girls all desired
‘Cause his bagels were covered in onions




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18

12 2008

regret

the first tear came from chopping onions
sure
but the ones that came next:
salty memories
long forgotten
straight from hell
or middle school
(she wasn’t sure which)

part of her wished she hadn’t remembered at all

next time
she’d make sesame bagels
instead




17

12 2008

The Greatest Bagel Ever Boiled

It wasn’t a perfect “O”
like you’re thinking
more like an italicized D
And it wasn’t all that fresh
mere hours from being stale
in fact
And the onion flakes stuck to its sides
were more than a little
gummy

But when the old man took a bite
he changed his mind
And didn’t kill his wife
after all




16

12 2008