Archive for May, 2009


Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me!
My levels are dropping dangerously!
Don’t look in my ear or knock on my knee!
Just gimme an onion bagel I.V.!


05 2009

your test results are in

the hospital facilities
are all state of the art,
with sections for diseases
of the lungs, skin, brain and heart

yet doctors aren’t the only ones
who meet such strict criteria,
the bar’s set just as high down
at the campus cafeteria

the freshest fruits and veggies
are brought in every day,
and pastas, meats and cheeses
form a dazzling buffet

but probably the choicest part
would be the bagel station,
with every flavor known to man
of ringéd dough temptation

plain, egg, garlic, sesame,
blueberry, everything
and countless others kneel before
the mighty onion king

if you don’t want to taste all that
or at least give just one lick,
then turn around and see a nurse
’cause you are truly sick


05 2009

family feast

heading down to the delicatessen
i learned a valuable mathematics lesson

eight siblings, two parents and one cousin
looks like we’ll need an even dozen

but if i subtract my family tree,
there’s twelve onion bagels all for me

topics: , ,


05 2009

Haiku #7

Top-to-bottom cut —
Good for onion treats to go,
Yet untoastable.


05 2009

absolutely fab

standing proudly
atop the rocky crag
bronze skin shimmering
beneath the glowing sun
shirt unbuttoned
far too far for comfort
and long blonde locks
flowing freely in the wind

you are half man
half onion bagel
the love spawn of fabio
and a particularly attractive
wad of dough

you grace the covers
of calendars and cookbooks
bringing women and foodies
to tears
and to their knees


05 2009


Whenever you feel down and out
Like your yeast will never rise,
And day-old plains with warm cream cheese
Are all your money buys

Remember that the world spins round
Like a perfectly shaped ring,
And the onion bagel inside of you
Means you can do anything


05 2009

Scent by Numbers

At mile marker 98
just past Route 42
I like to put the windows down
and let fresh air blow through

First I pass the rows of corn
tall and green like trees
Their smell, though nice, sticks in my teeth
so I give them a “3”

Next up is the berry patch
a sweet and fragrant heaven
But too much sugar rots my nose
still they get a “7”

Finally the onion fields
come up around the bend
Their pungent, piercing, bold bouquet
earns them a perfect “10”

I breathe in deep and scrunch my nose
just like Robert DeNiro
Until I pass the cattle ranch —
with its stinky, bagel “Zero”


05 2009

nice try buddy but you ain’t foolin nobody

getta loada dis guy
hay getta loada him
hethinks he’s areal bright guy
but isay he’s real dim

hetalks likehe’s a tough guy
but iknow he’s justbluffin
insteada onion bagels
he atean english muffin


05 2009

About My Bagel

My bagel’s so fresh, like a young baby foal
My bagel’s so wild, onions out of control
My bagel’s so smooth, it should be in a bowl
My bagel’s so rich, it could charge you a toll
My bagel’s so driven, it can reach any goal
My bagel’s so sexy, it’s got a crust mole
My bagel’s so toasty, it’s blacker than coal
My bagel’s so hot, it should stop drop and roll


05 2009

The Blunder

I bought a buttered bagel
from the baker in my building,
But when I bit that breaded band
it tasted bland and boring

Betting that the baker boiled
a bad batch of his batter,
I barked across the bar that
my bite should have been made better

I’d barely blurted this behest
when back came blistering blame:
This bunch was baked with onion bulbs,
but you bought one marked “Plain”


05 2009