Posts Tagged ‘cooking’

Sonnet VI

Some chefs have reached a level quite elite,
But I can’t say that I am one of those;
In every dish their skillful talent shows,
While anything I make just tastes like feet.
I tend to burn all sauces, eggs and meat,
(Though chicken comes out pinker than a rose);
My soup and sandwich sucks, my salad blows,
Desserts look like I scraped them off the street.

But there’s one food I make that’s not a crime,
In fact it’s something many people want;
Word that my toasted rings are so sublime,
Has spread from California to Vermont;
Come taste them and you’ll too realize that I’m
An onion bagel idiot savant.


07 2009

Preparation = Salvation

By baking and boiling you cover your bases
Like double or triple knotting your shoelaces
You make sure your onion doughs stay in their places
And knock the hunger right out of eaters’ faces


06 2009

Keep Your Day Jobs

Yesterday the bagel baker
swapped shops with the pizza maker

One threw onioned dough up high
like it was a hand tossed pie,
The other used a knife to thrust
gaping holes in deep dish crust

The bagels came out of the fryers
looking like deflated tires,
While pizzas became topping bowls
as melting cheese fell into holes

Neither pleased the cerebellum
but no one had the heart to tell ’em


06 2009

See how the darkness overtakes the light

See how the darkness overtakes the light,
A blanket shadowing these balls of dough,
They rise, arise again to higher height.

Some men see plain as all that’s pure and bright,
And when an onion drags this taste too low,
See how the darkness overtakes the light.

The skillful baker does not feel such fright,
And adding flavor helps his crowds to grow,
They rise, arise again to higher height.

He forms his seamless rings all through the night,
Too rapt to ever through his lone window
See how the darkness overtakes the light.

At dawn he sets his ovens to ignite,
His spirits climbing with the fire’s glow,
They rise, arise again to higher height.

But tired hands turn dials far too tight,
Hot flames upon pale crusts do death bestow;
See how the darkness overtakes the light,
They rise, arise again to higher height.


06 2009

but he don’t know what’s cookin’ – or – what’s coolio gonna’ eat for breakfast now?

there ain’t no bagel like an oniony bagel
cuz’ an oniony bagel’s got style
so when you see a young baker
pourin’ onions out his shaker
then ya’ gotta’ give that baker a smile

i said 5-6-7-8
get your bagel on my plate

gonna’ gonna’ eat mine, and then yours
gonna’ gonna’ eat mine, and then yours

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06 2009


this is important:
the water must be warm
the yeast must be dry
the dough must rise for about an hour

this means something:
i call but no answer
i wait for the tone
i try again in thirty minutes

this is important:
the salt must be kosher
the onions must be toasted
the rings must rise again, half as long as before

this means something:
you say you’re not home
your car’s in your driveway
your silhouette’s in your window, dancing

this is important:
the water must be sugared
the sheet must be greased
the oven must be preheated to 400 degrees

this means something:
the fire alarms blare
the ambulance arrives late
the police say it was all an accident


05 2009

your test results are in

the hospital facilities
are all state of the art,
with sections for diseases
of the lungs, skin, brain and heart

yet doctors aren’t the only ones
who meet such strict criteria,
the bar’s set just as high down
at the campus cafeteria

the freshest fruits and veggies
are brought in every day,
and pastas, meats and cheeses
form a dazzling buffet

but probably the choicest part
would be the bagel station,
with every flavor known to man
of ringéd dough temptation

plain, egg, garlic, sesame,
blueberry, everything
and countless others kneel before
the mighty onion king

if you don’t want to taste all that
or at least give just one lick,
then turn around and see a nurse
’cause you are truly sick


05 2009


In the beginning
There was toast
And we looked
And we saw that it was okay

Grain begat flour
Seed begat onion
These begat dough
Which then formed a ring

We baked it
We broke it
We ate it
In remembrance of then
And in thanks of how far we’d come


05 2009

Don’t Do This (II)

I counted my onion bagels before they boiled
1 bagel, 2 bagel, 3 bagel, 4 (!)

One fell on the ground and got totally soiled
1 bagel, 2 bagel, 3 (and no more)

My tongue-wagging dog soaked another in slobber
1 bagel, 2 bagel (oh how depressin’)

Then the last two got snatched by a breakfast food robber
0 bagels left (but I learned a good lesson!)

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04 2009

It’s Party Time

It’s okay if the sour cream has turned
or if the sautéed garlic got completely burned
Don’t worry that the avocado’s black
or that the roasted peppers liquified right in their sack
Who really cares if the cheese is mostly mold
or the center of the chicken breast is still a little cold

‘Cause even the vilest, most revolting dip
tastes pretty damn good on an onion bagel chip

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02 2009