Archive for February, 2009

The Golden One

My father always told me “Onion bagels grow on trees”
And so I spent my school-age years amassing expertise
So I could scour the continents and sail the seven seas
Searching for the only plant that would my soul appease

As time elapsed the hope I had was pushed aside by doubt
For I’d found nothing even though I’d traveled all about
And so I grabbed my father and irately I did shout
He said “I meant to say they don’t – did I leave that word out?”




08

02 2009

O

is for onion
the bagel i like most
N is for not ever equating it
to toast – that would be insanity,
which is what the I is for, and if you try to
say it’s not, i’ll just come   bust down your door
and i’ll wear a mask,             and i’ll carry an axe
and a can of gas and              a bunch of matches
and you’ll be all like,          oh god, no! which in
case you didn’t get it       is what the second O
is for, but i won’t even hear your pleas,
cause i’ll be busy creaming cheese
once you get a taste of these,
you’ll Never make that
error again




07

02 2009

Digging a Tunnel

I’m digging a tunnel
From my heart to yours
To carve out this pathway
I’m fighting on all fours

Reminds me of digging
That I did once before
Through an onion bagel
Inside the grocery store

I tore out one section
Just to get it started
Then dug with my finger
Until the insides parted

Before long I had a
Hollow bagel in my cart
Too bad it’s much tougher
For me to win your heart




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06

02 2009

Confession

I’m a churchgoing bagel, Heaven is my goal
I’m a God-fearing bagel, only He can save my soul
I’m a tolerating bagel, I won’t judge a jelly roll
I’m a virtue-laden bagel, which is something to extol

Yet I’m a weak-willed bagel when the Devil takes control
and I can’t stop inserting objects in my onion hole




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05

02 2009

first, the bad news:

the dealer’s corpse was rotting at a quite alarming rate
i couldn’t get the bags of blow to all fit in their crate
on accident i handcuffed my own ankle to the grate
and my partner in a panic crashed our car right out the gate

the fire from the hill was now engulfing the estate
and the sirens in the distance signaled our impending date
i didn’t have much choice but to accept my destined fate
so i grabbed an onion bagel, said a prayer of thanks and ate




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04

02 2009

Bagelicious

Humpty Hump sang about biscuits
Junkyard Dog grabbed all them cakes
Juvenile was crass
(he just said dat ass)
and Wreckx-n-Effect liked rump shakes

Sisqo was partial to dump trucks
Sir Mix-a-Lot needed back
but what you display girl
is an onion bagel
those other guys’ rhymes are all wack




03

02 2009

Sonnet III

When I was schooling in halls so hallow,
my pale young body was softer than now,
Name-calling bullies taunted Moo! and Cow!
comments I took to be somewhat shallow
I’d lie awake by the flick’ring tallow,
years of frustration furrowing my brow,
wanting to break free—yet not knowing how—
from flesh that felt like spongy marshmallow

These days such mem’ries seem irrelevant,
my current physique is sculpted from oak
But though I am strong as an elephant,
a soft onion bagel still can evoke
pain that propels me down on hell’s descent—
to my old body, the butt of a joke




02

02 2009

a bitter bagel to swallow

i wished sincerely
but i fell beneath the stars
i fought for freedom
but i wound up behind bars
i loved completely
but i never was loved back
i planted flowers
but the petals all turned black
i welcomed warmly
but they kicked me to the cold
i cheered the youth on
but they told me i was old
i steered steadfastly
but it only made me carsick
i ordered onion
but i ended up with garlic




01

02 2009